Hello, old friends.

It’s been awhile. A little over three years, to be specific. I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long. I’m not sorry to only you, but also, and mostly, to myself. A lot has been going on in the last three years and for some reason I’ve found it difficult to be here. Here, writing to you, and here, on this planet. You know, the whole global pandemic, race riots, election madness, war, and impending economic doom has kind of been a little time consuming and overwhelming, but I’m here, and I hope to be coming back more often.

I last wrote here in March of 2019, and at the time I my faith was the only thing keeping my sobriety afloat. I’ll start by saying that my sobriety has flown out the window a long time ago. In fact, probably shortly after that last post in March of 2019. To be completely honest, my faith hasn’t been so great lately, either. Let’s start with the sobriety, though. I think it all kind of went downhill from there.

Memory is a funny thing, as it can be sometimes too clear, and sometimes nothing but a complete blur. I don’t exactly know what day I decided to make the decision to end my sobriety, but I know WHEN it happened. I had a drink the day of my mom’s father’s funeral. I say, “my mom’s father,” because he was barely a father to her, and certainly no grandpa to me. Nonetheless, my family attended the funeral to pay our respects and left abruptly in the middle of the service because my mother was upset, and drove three hours to their home on the other side of the state. That evening we all went to their small town bar/restaurant for dinner, and I decided to order a cocktail. A cocktail that was the beginning of all the cocktails to come.

I made a conscious decision to end my sobriety, although I don’t know if I was completely aware of the consequences that would lie ahead. At the time, I was seeing a therapist weekly, I had a strong relationship with God, and I felt like I had some things in my life under control. I would later stop seeing my therapist, my relationship with God would dwindle, and I would realize that my life was more out of control than ever.

Regret. “A feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.” Something I struggled with when I was sober, and something I struggle with now. When I was sober and in AA, I had regrets about many things in my life. I would regret every time I went to a meeting and lied, saying how happy I was in the program and how much I loved being sober. Now, three years later, I often regret the decision I made to start drinking again. There are so many things I use to justify my decision to start and continue drinking again, but I’m coming to realize that those justifications are nothing more than excuses.

Friends. I say to myself “Look at all the new friends you’ve made since you started drinking again.” Friends. The only thing I have in common with many of them is our addiction to alcohol. I’m not entirely sure you can call it a friendship when alcohol is the only common denominator, but I try. It would be more appropriate to say that in the last three years I haven’t made friends, but I’ve met and gotten to know people because we share a similar interest (or addiction,) in alcohol. Truth be told, I’m not sure who my friends are, but I’m pretty sure its not the people I’ve met in seedy bars over the last three years.

Friends. My face illuminates with joy when I think about all the friends I had in the church and in AA. That was one thing I did genuinely love about AA – the people. For the most part, the people in the program were absolutely amazing. They wanted nothing more than to give you their support, their help, and their love. And the church. I can’t even think of words that are strong enough to adequately describe the impact the people I’ve met through and at the church have made in my life. Again, the love, the compassion, the want to see you grow in your relationship with Christ. The fellowship, the honesty, the overwhelming sense of community. Its something I miss dearly. Friends, that’s what I had both at AA and at church.

I haven’t been to church in some time. I’ve been struggling with so much lately, but faith is certainly at the forefront. I think the majority of my lack of faith and distance from the church began with the pandemic. Firstly, for quite some time, people just weren’t going to church. Congregating in large masses simply wasn’t allowed. Then, when churches did reopen, the protocols were so strict that the church felt like an incredibly different place. As time went on, I felt like the church wasn’t somewhere I belonged because I hadn’t been in so long. I felt like the world was falling apart, and I found it difficult to have faith in a God that was allowing such tragedy to happen. More importantly, however, I felt it hard to align my thoughts with the thoughts and teachings with the church, which caused even more distance. As time went on and continues to go on, however, I realize the church is truly the last place in my life that I felt genuine happiness and that felt like home, and I miss it immensely.

Upon reading this, people will not only criticize my use of propositions to begin sentences (that might just be me criticizing myself,) but they will also give me suggestions as to how to get back to sobriety and to the church. I wish things were that easy. Sure, “Stop drinking and start going to meetings again,” is a great suggestion. “Go to mass this Sunday and start praying again, it will help with your relationship with God,” is perfectly fine to say. If things were that simple, I wouldn’t be in the position I am right now – so far away from sober and just as far away from spirited. There’s a lot of mental work that needs to happen before I can possibly get back to sober and spirited. For now, I’ll make this my introduction back. This will be my way of saying, “Hi, my name is Jessie, and I’m an alcoholic,” and perhaps my writing this is my way of praying for some sort of guidance from God.

Our Father, who art in Heaven…

Its a pleasure to be back, even if nobody reads this and I’m just posting this for myself. Its a true pleasure.