I find that the best time to write is after I have just been a therapy, so here I am. My mind has been racing. Racing day after day, thinking about all the things I have done, and all of the things I need to do. I need to get my ass sober. Let’s start at the very basics. I need to get sober and I need to live a happy and healthy life. I need to get closer to God. I need to mend relationships that offense trained or broken because of my use of alcohol. I need to focus more on my mental health, and rather than focus on how it’s unhealthy, I need to focus on how I can get it to be better. My mind is racing, nonstop, thinking of all of these things day in and day out.
My drinking has been…stable? Not good by any means, but it hasn’t gotten any worse. I’m actually about to cry right now, thinking of how honest I want to be here today. I’m scared. Scared of what’s going to become of me if I don’t change my actions soon. Scared of what’s going to become of me if I let my racing thoughts control my life. for example, I was just thinking about how much I’ve been drinking, which led to me thinking about all the regrets I have after I drink, which led to me thinking that I don’t wanna be alive anymore. It’s a dangerous cycle that continues on and on, time after time, with no end in sight.
That’s a struggle. Life in general, obviously, but this whole, being honest with other people, with myself, for that matter, is very challenging. I was talking to my therapist today about emotions. I finally told her that I have this blog. And how on here, for some reason, I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts and my feelings and my emotions. I couldn’t tell most people, face-to-face, what I say here on this one for all of you to read. I would say, but there’s maybe two or three people I could talk to openly like I talk to you all on here, but that’s about it other than that I’m terrified to expose myself to others.
Opening yourself up to others can be emotionally and mentally traumatizing, terrifying, scary, and a plethora of other things. Speaking of traumatizing, I need to read my blog from the beginning to find any traumas that I’ve buried deep away. I need to find them for my own sake, so I can figure out what keeps driving me back to drinking. I’m sure I’ve wrote about different traumas in the past, it’s just finding the courage to go back and look at them that I need to work on.
It’s so strange, trying to become sober. On one hand, I feel like I am going through everything alone. On the other hand, I feel like I have an overwhelming amount of support. I do have an overwhelming amount of support, but at the same time, those people have no idea what it feels like to actually be going through the journey, and that’s where that loneliness comes in. And yes, I go to my therapist. Yes, I talked things through with her. Maybe I need to go back to AA, so I can talk to people who have been going through the same things that I’m going through right now.
It’s like I just had a lightbulb moment. Duh. I need to talk to other alcoholics. I need to talk to other alcoholics in recovery. Damn, I hate when the answer has been in front of me all along and it takes me this long to find it.
I suppose I have some work to do. Go to AA, fill out my relapse prevention program, find my traumas that I’m keeping buried, talk more about my emotions. All of those fun things.
Thanks for reading along and being here for me.
Sober and Spirited 