Well, I haven’t actually sat down and physically written in awhile. To be honest, when I write on here, I usually use that stupid talk-to-text, because its a hell of a lot easier. However, I’m sick and I don’t have a voice, so I’m going back and doing things the old fashioned way and actually writing things down. I don’t like it.
I’ve been absent for a bit because I’ve been working on myself. I mean, really working. My drinking has improved significantly, and I’m really proud of myself for that. I went from drinking five or six drinks a night, every night, to maybe two drinks three nights a week, with an exception of a maybe four drink night in there on the weekend. Still, from six every night to two a few times a week, its a huge step. Its taking a lot of work, a lot of focus, and a lot of determination. My therapist told me not to stop cold turkey for fear that I would actually die, and despite me thinking that might be the best option on one or two occasions, I decided to listen and I’ve been cutting back gradually instead.
Speaking of therapy, I’ve been doing a lot of good work there as well. A LOT. I wrote down a whole relapse prevention plan for when I actually do become sober. Its a look at what my drinking triggers are, how I can manage them, who I can talk to, what I can do instead, and a whole lot of other things. It wasn’t something I wanted to do and it certainly wasn’t fun, but I put my nose to the brimstone and I got it done.
I’ve also been working on figuring out my trauma. Let me tell you, nothing will exhaust a person like going through their past and figuring out what traumas have occurred throughout the years. And even more exhausting, realizing not all traumas are major, life altering events. Some traumas can be a series of little things that led to you altering your way of thinking, or to you having a negative connotation of seemingly innocent action. Trauma is not fun. Not fun to experience, not fun to relive and remember, and not even fun to write down. Trauma is tiring and exhausting, but getting it out and sharing it with someone has made all the difference for me.
I’ve also started to realize the impact my drinking has had on others, and that’s scary. Scary and exhausting, just like the trauma. To make a long story short, I recently had a patient at work that said he had pain when he drank beer. After making a few jokes with him and getting him off to sleep, I commented, “At least I don’t have pain when I drink,” to which the physician responded, “No, but you bring pain to others when you drink.” Talk about traumatizing. I almost cried right there on the spot, but I waited until I got home. Its crazy how that one comment really changed my way of thinking. I told a friend of mine the story and what was said and she replied, “We all worry when you drink. You think we aren’t scared every time we know you’re drinking and then getting behind the wheel of a car?” Sometimes it takes a good reality check from those you love to set you straight.
Honestly, I didn’t think about my drinking effecting others like that. I thought I was the only one feeling the pain and repercussions, the only one that had to suffer the consequences. Boy, was I wrong. I had no idea people worried when they knew I was driving home drunk. I had no idea people were scared of me not showing up to work the next morning. I knew I was sick of failing people over and over again with my inability to stay sober, and I’m sure that upset people as well. But I had no idea that people were effected beyond that. I quickly learned that I was so stupid for not realizing the way I was troubling others with my drinking.
I told that story to my therapist and I made her cry a little. I think because she finally saw me having the awakening that I needed, and perhaps because she saw that I had people who loved and cared about me. Perhaps it was one of those times that I saw it, too. I know that as I sit here typing this, I’m “balling my eyes out,” having to stop every twenty seconds to wipe my eyes and blow my nose. Its good, though. Its good for me to feel something for once instead of just being numbed by alcohol like I’m used to.
So, yeah, I’ve been gone, but for a good reason. I’ve been working on myself in ways I didn’t know I needed. I’ve been treating myself well, not giving myself a hard time when I fail, and giving myself a little grace. If others can give me some, theres certainly no reason I can’t give myself a little.
Thanks for reading along,
Jessie
Sober and Spirited 