The Great Depression

Being a self-aware, severely depressed alcoholic is a trip. I’m hyper-aware of everything I’m feeling and doing, I know the difference between right and wrong, and yet I continue to do the same thing over and over. Some would call that insanity; doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. And most days I feel insane, so I would have to agree. And I know what I have to do to make the change. The problem is that I just can’t find it in my willpower to do it.

I went out with some friends on Saturday night for drinks and that was all fine and dandy. I was reserved (for me,) and wasn’t too out of control. Then we went to a friends house to play cards for awhile. Everyone but me was smoking weed and doing cocaine. That’s when I got uncomfortable. I’m rarely uncomfortable and I don’t judge others for whatever they want to do recreationally (because who am I to judge,) but for once I felt like an outsider and I was truly uncomfortable. I couldn’t get out fast enough, honestly. I played one hand of cards and went home as quickly as possible. I didn’t want to be tempted by something I know I don’t need to be doing, so I removed myself from that situation as promptly as I could.

The drinking isn’t even the worst part right now…it’s the depression. I’m feeling more sad and more isolated and more hopeless by the day. I just don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to deal with life. I wish I could blink it all away, but I know it’s not that easy. I wish I could pick up everything and disappear. Move somewhere and start all over. Maybe things would be easier that way. Maybe I could do the healing I need to do if I didn’t have the constant reminder of all my mistakes and addictions and relationships.

I’m exhausted. I try to sleep. Every extra minute I get, isolating myself, away from others, and yet I am exhausted. I’m exhausted from the alcoholism, from the depression, and from life itself. I think that’s why I wish I wasn’t here anymore. I’m tired of being exhausted all the time. I think a lot of people get confused when I say I don’t wanna be here. I’m not saying I’m suicidal, because I’m not. I don’t have any plan in place, and I’m far too much of a coward to go through with anything anyway. I just wouldn’t be upset if I got in some sort of accident and died. I mean, I couldn’t be upset anyway, but I almost wish it would happen. I almost wish there was some easy way out. I wish I didn’t have to leave people behind. If I didn’t have people I love being left behind, who knows if I would be here.

Depression is rough, especially during the holiday season, especially during winter when there’s nothing but darkness around all the time. I go to work and it’s dark outside. I get out of work, and it’s dark outside. Sometimes I will see daylight, but those days seem few and far between. I wish the depression would end. I wish the alcoholism would end. And I know if I stop drinking the alcoholism will get better. It’s something so simple, yet so difficult.

Some days, I wish I had someone to just give me a hug. Someone to just give me some quiet support, and not ask what’s wrong, not ask how they can fix it, or even how they can help. Some days I just need someone to give me a hug other days, I do need someone to tell me that everything is going to be OK, even if it seems like it won’t be. I want to be able to ask for help without feeling like a burden. I want to be able to talk more openly, and honestly with people, without fear of judgment. I want to be emotionally mature. Maybe it’ll happen one day.

I wish I could be as open and honest in person as I am on here. I wish I could be as courageous and share what’s on my mind like I do on my blog. And yet, when it comes to seeing me in person, I try my hardest to be strong and stoic and not seem defeated. I want to be able to be as vulnerable in person as I am when I write. Until I’m able to do that, I’ll just keep on writing away.